Is it just me?
Is it just me that finds myself sitting over a bowl of crunchy nut doubting every life decision I have ever made?
Like a montage of flashing images and video clips in my mind- the good, the bad, and the ugly. They say no regrets, and by the most part I have always agreed with that. There’s no point dwelling on the past as there’s nothing we can do to change what has already happened (unless you have time travel abilities, and we have all seen enough sci-fi movies now to know that usually fucks shit up!) But I cant help but feel the never ending pressure. Pressure to be perfect. And the rush to do it all as quickly as possible, but not too quickly that we don’t enjoy ourselves because we’re supposed to be happy too right?
These are the bizarre thoughts that float through my mind when I can’t sleep at 3 o’clock in the morning. Or when I’m in deep concentration plucking a random protruding hair from my nipple- the perfect time for an existential crisis.
It’s so cliche, but we all long for simpler times. Flashback to when the biggest concern in my life was what to wear for non-uniform day (the most traumatic of school events when the entire world seemed to be a beauty contest). Or the heartbreak of taking fancy to a boy who just saw you as a “friend”.
“You’re really lovely Hannah but I just see you as a good friend.”
“Aww Hannah you’re hilarious. You’ll have to meet my girlfriend she’ll love you!”
“I love you Hannah. Not in that way though!”
“We can just have sex and be friends yeah?”
The criiiiiiiinnngggeeee of it all.
Though it’s funny really. At times, when I am lying in my bed next to my husband-to-be, surrounded by the thick cloud of farts (both mine and his), I look over at him picking the fluff from his belly button, accompanied by the ol’ scratch n’ sniff (you know what I’m talking about), and I think to myself, this is what we were all aiming for in the end. This is love. Who knew?
But even in the happiest of relationships, there’s the pressure of life. What happens next? Mortgage, marriage, babies.
As I write this I can hear the neighbour’s screaming child through the wall. Like clockwork, every morning, it just screams. I feel you bro.
It’s like it’s been hard wired into us that it’s these significant milestones that we must achieve to be accomplished in life. That’s just what people do. You get a job, you settle down, you live happily ever after.
I feel like one day I turned up to six form college and they said, “OK today we are filling out your applications for university, you must now decide what you want to do for the rest of your life.” NO PRESSURE. And that was it. Boom. Career choice.
We filled out an online questionnaire that apparently could tell you what your dream job would be, only for it to come up with some obscure answer of a role that you had never heard of, so just dismissed it and picked something else that just sounded interesting. Now nearly 10 years later (yes I am that old apparently) you can’t for the life of you remember what job that questionnaire told you to do, that you ignored anyway, and you think maybe I should have done that random obscure job role that the online questionnaire that most definitely wasn’t biased told me?!
But I have no regrets. (Hears french lady that was on that specsavers advert… non regrette rien… I’m so sorry I am so uncultured that is the reference I am going for).
I was lucky that I did enjoy what I studied at university in the end. Though I’m not quite in my ‘dream job’ yet. I’m still climbing, clinging, on to that ladder people tend to refer to. A few years ago when people asked me how I wanted to progress in my career, I sort of had a straight answer for them. A rehearsed spiel of hope, ignorant to harsh reality of how competitive the field actually is. Recently I sometimes slip out the, “I’m open minded” comment, which is a another way of saying, “I don’t really know any more”.
Maybe the truth of the matter, the grand reveal, the secret to life itself… is that we’re all just winging it!
Surely it can’t just be me.